Paranoia
by HoshisamaValmor
Summary: Is it mad to pray for paranoia, adding to madness? Or to pray to understand it, because... is my mind warning me about this, or making me more suspicious of it?


_Paranoia is the result of dangerous, self centered behaviour. The subject feels under attack at all times. This is a mental reaction commonly associated with narcissistic personality. You place yourself at a higher consideration than the rest of us common mortals, and therefore think you are a target to be reckoned with. You are not, Alice. And you will never get better if you keep up with these delusions of grandeur. Step down your high horse and the traumatic events of your past. Let go, and you will see life has real, palpable beauty. Let go of the distorted wreckage you let yourself believe in._

 _._

I have to hurry and attend to Mrs Gainsborough's errand from the bakery, but this latest session with Dr Bumby and his thoughts have been swirling and hammering my skull.

It seems... contradictory. He wants me to see beauty in life, but wants me to let go into Wonderland.

Which one is it?

Lately when this happens, rather than keep my thoughts inside the madness, I've been trying to expunge them somewhat. The thoughts and considerations. Maybe in hopes of releaving some of the pressure in a better fashion than drilling holes in my said skull.

This notebook I've got is rather small in size, tangling the wording somewhat, but paranoid or not, I think it's for the best. Who knows what the very fact that I have been writing about madness would provoke? Am I sane for doing this or am I mad for the very fact?

Enough of this, let's pour this out, cleansing before I leave, and hopefully I'll be less disturbed.

So...

.

 _Paranoia, according to Dr Bumby_

 _is just another way to say I want attention_

 _"Your time under care translated to your_

 _own bubble of attention, always you and your_

 _mind", the good doctor might add to his diagnosis._

 _Warning signals may be a good addition to asylums._

 _You might be more careful that way,_

 _of all the dangers of truth and doubt. They are_

 _past and beyond rationalizing there, they're just_

 _fears - what may worsen the treatment? what_

 _patterns will the doctors see in your words? How_

 _enhanced your state of madness will be._

 _To me, madness is a constant place. I expect no_

 _help from my dear shattered mind. The only thing_

 _you have brought me is a broken Wonderland I_

 _see, but am now afraid to venture. Dr Bumby wants me to._

 _._

 _What if paranoia is in reality helpful, the panic and fear_

 _are perhaps signals, a way for your mind to tell_

 _you to be wary, cautious, because it is_

 _afraid of something you have to face_

 _Of something you don't want to be aware?_

 _...?_

 _Why do I feel I've heard this before?_

 _._

 _It's just one of those textbook definitions._

 _Simple, better than Dr Bumby's stylised one._

 _._

 _Maybe paranoia is to be expected after an asylum._

 _Right?_

 _Alienation_

 _Lobotomy_

 _Isolation_

 _Clamping_

 _Exsanguination_

 _..._

 _._

 _Oh look, an anocrym. How befitting._

.

I think this is a nice tone to end this entry. The screeching of the youngsters echoes as cue in the corridor just outside. It's enough to tell me my own procrastination session has stretched for far too long. If I don't hurry up, Mrs Gainsborough will have my head! If I so much as hear that clock ring its chyme, I may as well save her the trouble.

The poor small notebook must have been quivering with the sickening ruin I drenched it in, because it splattered itself on the floor as soon as I move. The core of paper disattaches from impact, tore from the leather spine and hanging lopsided by just a thread of binding.

I have no time for this. I need to just stash this somewhere and see the damage later on. It's not serious, I merely have to be careful from now on when I come by to write, adjusting the core back into the cover.

I am just going to do that now, as the cover is currently crossing the pages like a broken limb. Most of the writing is hidden, but by casual glance, my eyes catch an oddity.

 _Para_

 _is ju_

 _your_

 _own_

 _mind_

 _warn_

I swear, I wish I was paranoid. Maybe I am more than I noticed. But I cannot tell that to Dr Bumby. I'm not so sure he would see this as the sign of a sane mind.

I pick up the tattered ruin and readjust the core, just not to it's correct place. Just enough to leave a gap. This way, almost all the page is hidden. Only the left side is uncovered. I may have to pull this off the hat, but it seems like...

 _Paranoia_

 _is_

 _your_

 _own_

 _mind_

 _warning_

 _you_

 _of_

 _past_

 _fears_

 _patterns_

 _enhanced_

 _to_

 _help_

 _you_

 _see_

 _._

 _What_

 _are_

 _you_

 _afraid_

 _of_

 _...?_

 _Why_

 _._

 _It's_

 _Simple_

 _Maybe_

 _._

 _Right?_

 _A_

 _L_

 _I_

 _C_

 _E_

.

Well.

Is it mad to pray for paranoia, adding to madness? Or to pray to understand it, because... is my mind warning me about this, or making me more suspicious of it? But isn't this here? _Am_ I paranoid?

Is this supposed to be a sign of improvement?

Blasted Cat. I can hear your voice whispering these words.

Thank you very much, I feel a lot more confident on my stability now.

.

the end

.

:)

.

* * *

.

Author's Note: I know this is cheaper than it should, but I've been wanting to write something for Alice for too long. The format will definitely not work out on mobile or something like that, but well this is what I have.

Can be read back to back with **'Wrapped up for me'**

Thanks for reading, review if you want and point out mistakes.


End file.
